Courage

“Courage, dear heart”- Voyage of the Dawn Treader, C. S. Lewis

It is so easy to look at someone and their life and see the work God is doing in them. It seems like everything either falls perfectly into place or works out in a crazy amazing way that no one could have guessed. And these people either walk boldly forward and we admire their faith, or they express their anxiety and we appreciate their honesty. They seem to either fully have their life and faith together, or they are honest about how hard this walk is. Either way, they are brave.

And then I look at myself and see my anxiety in nearly every area of my life. Fear of social situations, fear of the future, fear of not being accepted, fear of being alone. Not to mention fears in this physical world. My anxiety list could go on forever. And I think, “there’s no way God could use this conflicted and fearful heart. I am the only Gryffindor who isn’t brave. I am a fearful hobbit with no wizard or ring to push me out the door.”

There is an image in my head of who I dream of being one day: A strong warrior clothed in the armor of God, who backs down for nothing. Someone who is not easily taken advantage of, yet is approachable. Compassionate, yet firm. A friend to many, yet independent. With a really cool dog. And maybe I read too many fantasy books, but don’t we all have an image of who we dream to be? Whether it is to be wealthy, well read, educated, popular, caught up on the times, to have a supernatural ability to tell what is real and fake news. Whatever it is we desire to be, it creates a picture, a character. Why do we love stories of heroes, real or fictional? Why do we love an underdog? They are stories of people we can relate to, doing things we wish we could do. I have these big dreams of being a hero for the faith, and then I remember I have a hard time going to a party, not to mention a dangerous adventure.

To escape the thoughts that shame for not being better, I then dive deeper into these places I wish I could be. There is a book about taking characters out of stories and putting yourself into them, and I loved this idea so much. I begin to desire, to some extent, to be in Narnia, Neverland, Hogwarts, Middle Earth, *insert fictional world here except probably the Hunger Games*. It is perfect there and you know everything will all work out. But when it ends, I am still left alone with my broken self. I dream of fighting these epic battles, yet the first battle is my mind and I can’t seem to win.

Am I the only one I know, waging my wars behind my face and above my throat? Shadows will scream that I’m alone, but I know we’ve made it this far

-Migraine, Twenty One Pilots.

We are all battling our own mind, our thoughts, in one way or another. It is a part of the fallen world. We know and have an image of who we want to be, but something is holding us back. For me, it is anxiety. My fear keeps me from stepping out, being bold and strong. I know that I am weak, weaker than my opponent. I also know that it is out of weakness that God operates. However, knowing and knowing are two different things.

You think twice about your life, it probably happens and night right? Fight it, take the pain, ignite it. Tie a noose around your mind, loose enough to breathe fine and tie it to a tree and tell it, ‘you belong to me. This ain’t a noose, this is a leash and I have news for you, you must obey me.’

-Holding on to You, Twenty One Pilots

Too often I allow myself to retreat and isolate. Too often I lose. But sometimes I fight. I take active control of my thoughts and remind myself of the truths I so often forget, “You are created in the image of God, He delights in you. The love the Lord feels for you is not dependent upon your actions or mental well being. It is His strength that makes you strong, not your own. God is perfecting His work in you. He does not break His promises.”

I so wish that was it. Once and done. But the battle wages on every day, some days better than others. I often wish the words of AJR’s, The Good Part, Was looking forward to, being important, but I’m not important yet. . . Can we skip to the Good Part? I just wish to know what my point is on this earth, to get to my end-goal instead of floating around in this mess of thoughts, for Jesus to return. But I know cliche saying as well as you do. It is the journey that makes you who you are. I desire to be perfected already, but who would I be without that journey?

So I remind myself, and you, of the encouraging line from Seize the Day in Broadway's Newsies, Courage does not erase our fear. Courage is when we face our fear.

Psalm 46:1-3 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.”

Isaiah 43:1-2 “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through waters, I will be with you, and through the rivers, they will not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned and the flame shall not consume you.”

Isaiah 54:10 “‘For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed, but my steadfast love shall not depart from you, and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,’ says the Lord, who has compassion on you.”