june 1

As silly as it sounds, I kind of thought there might be something impactful about passing a decade. Maybe the pain would lessen or I would be granted greater understanding or something. An ignorant hope, I know. I know that time will come, but just making it to double digits will not usher that in.

For myself, grieving as an adult is harder than it was in my teen years. The many emotions I stifled seem to often be overflowing now. I am beginning to see the impact of not having a father for some very formative years and how that has impacted other relationships. Adult grieving has been a time of listening to my siblings' trauma and processing through my own. It has been isolating as I cannot grieve alongside my mom and siblings. I feel alone as I struggle to allow people into this very personal thing. In many ways it feels invalidating because you would think after 11 years, June 1 would have lost some significance.

I know one day my heart will not ache in the way that it does now. One day all will be restored. I have to be okay that today is not that day.

Thank you for reading this. My heart aches today in many ways and I thank you for being willing to read a bit of it.

I urge you to tell someone you love them, listen to difficult stories, and not shy away from realities that make you uncomfortable.

Dad, I miss you and I love you.