stitched

I, myself, am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

- Augusten Burroughs

I remember beginning to journal about this quote and in my (good) intention to write more, I wanted to find it and complete my thoughts. Oddly enough, the journal entry is dated December 1st, 2018. Evidently this feeling is an annual one. In order to compare who I was and who I am, I will differentiate the times by different colors. 2019 in black, 2018 in purple. To my color-blind friends, I apologize.

I first heard this quote in high school, and while I understand and acknowledge the faux deepness of this quote, few things sum me up better. Every single day, in almost every way, this describes me. I have so many good intentions. Whether it be my relationships, my self-disciplines, my sleep patterns, my relationship with the Lord, you name it. There is no area in my life where I actually feel like I am doing it well. Where I feel like I am doing enough. Reflection upon this rarely motivates me toward progress, but rather a slum of self-pity & self-hatred. 

Deeply rooted in my self pity is an infatuation with myself. I think about me all the time. In his poem, “The Ruin Falls,” C. S. Lewis states, “I never had a selfless thought since I was born,” and man, if that is not me, I do not know what is. I think obsessively about what I have said, about how I am perceived, and about how productive I am. Though I am able to put on a good front, my soul is weary with the battle. That weariness expresses itself in a broken way- in isolation or lashing out or cruelty. I do not know how to ward off this weariness since it is my own mind, aside from being in the Word and praying. These are our greatest weapons as Christians, please do not misunderstand. It is not the tactics I have an issue with, it is myself. I am the one who is two-minded. I am the one who is made up of flaws and attempting to cover it up in good intentions. 

Although this quote still rings true and I am still overwhelmingly self-consumed, I am happy to say that currently I am not in a place of feeling so negatively about myself. Not only has there been significant progress in having good intentions and actually following through, but there has been progress in my mental health. It has definitely been a battle this past year and I am still often weary of the battle of being stuck in my own head. I continue to be upset that I am so self-absorbed. I still battle self-hatred. But my value, thankfully, is not found in my self-image. It is found in the One whose image I am created in. And though there are ups and downs in that, I am happy to say that I am in a better place mentally than I was when I originally wrote this.

This quote draws me back to the Garden of Eden and the leaves put together to cover their nakedness. Genesis 3:7 says, “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” This is who we are after the fall. We are guilty people covering up our sin with a few sloppily stitched together fig leaves. The terminology of “stitched” conjures up a couple of images. The first is an image of it not being whole. It is the joining of at least two good intentions or the mending of a broken one in an effort to cover the darkness within. The idea that everyone is broken-hearted in some way has been on my mind for a while. It is so common sense, yet in my self-obsession, I often forget that everyone is hurting because of brokenness and that brokenness is not quantifiable. Another image of brokenness is our sin. Because of our pride, selfishness, and greed we are broken and our relationship with God and others is broken. And that brokenness, no matter the good intentions, only breaks that which is around it. (The idea that hurt people hurt people.)

The second image this quote conjures is that it has the ability to come undone. Just one simple tug is all it takes for it all to come unstitched, for us to be seen for what we are, which is our flaws. The intentions are just a facade to hide that which is underneath, selfishness, pride, and greed. I have to ask myself, am I using my intentions to say to God, “I was afraid, because I was naked, so I hid myself”? Am I using my intentions to say that to myself?

Not always. Often, my intentions are an overflow of the heart. I care about people because God cares about them and thus I intend to show them that I care. I care about my mental health so I want to take care of myself. I care about my education so I work hard at my school. But sometimes my intentions are legalistically based. They are there to give an idea that I am doing better, or that I am a better person than I really am. Sometimes my intentions are based in a sense of duty or obligation. Sometimes my intentions are there to set me up for failure and to feel badly about myself. And what is hard is that these intentions are always there, but the motivations often ebb and flow. 

So how do I conclude? Tell you to stop allowing your actions or intentions define you? I will start doing that when you do. I do not think I am alone when I say I feel like I could always be doing better. And many people have really good intentions (while others truly do not). But to tell yourself something and believing it are two totally different things. At the end of the day, I am still flawed and stitched together. But praise the Lord that my value is not dependent on my measly threads holding things together. Whether or not I follow through on anything, I am still loved. 

I suppose in conclusion, I want to continue evaluating why I intend to do what I do, whether that is enabling me to live in denial or pushing me toward Christ, and begin giving myself grace when I fail at following through. And I would extend that same challenge to you, especially the last bit. Be gracious to yourself.

As always, thank you for reading. 

Romans 7:18 For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.

Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

A couple of song lyrics that came to mind, but don’t actually fit:

The road outside my house is paved with good intentions

-Hum Hallelujah, Fall Out Boy

If you want to destroy my sweater, hold this thread while I walk away

-Undone - The Sweater Song, Weezer