stitched

I, myself, am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

- Augusten Burroughs

I remember beginning to journal about this quote and in my (good) intention to write more, I wanted to find it and complete my thoughts. Oddly enough, the journal entry is dated December 1st, 2018. Evidently this feeling is an annual one. In order to compare who I was and who I am, I will differentiate the times by different colors. 2019 in black, 2018 in purple. To my color-blind friends, I apologize.

I first heard this quote in high school, and while I understand and acknowledge the faux deepness of this quote, few things sum me up better. Every single day, in almost every way, this describes me. I have so many good intentions. Whether it be my relationships, my self-disciplines, my sleep patterns, my relationship with the Lord, you name it. There is no area in my life where I actually feel like I am doing it well. Where I feel like I am doing enough. Reflection upon this rarely motivates me toward progress, but rather a slum of self-pity & self-hatred. 

Deeply rooted in my self pity is an infatuation with myself. I think about me all the time. In his poem, “The Ruin Falls,” C. S. Lewis states, “I never had a selfless thought since I was born,” and man, if that is not me, I do not know what is. I think obsessively about what I have said, about how I am perceived, and about how productive I am. Though I am able to put on a good front, my soul is weary with the battle. That weariness expresses itself in a broken way- in isolation or lashing out or cruelty. I do not know how to ward off this weariness since it is my own mind, aside from being in the Word and praying. These are our greatest weapons as Christians, please do not misunderstand. It is not the tactics I have an issue with, it is myself. I am the one who is two-minded. I am the one who is made up of flaws and attempting to cover it up in good intentions. 

Although this quote still rings true and I am still overwhelmingly self-consumed, I am happy to say that currently I am not in a place of feeling so negatively about myself. Not only has there been significant progress in having good intentions and actually following through, but there has been progress in my mental health. It has definitely been a battle this past year and I am still often weary of the battle of being stuck in my own head. I continue to be upset that I am so self-absorbed. I still battle self-hatred. But my value, thankfully, is not found in my self-image. It is found in the One whose image I am created in. And though there are ups and downs in that, I am happy to say that I am in a better place mentally than I was when I originally wrote this.

This quote draws me back to the Garden of Eden and the leaves put together to cover their nakedness. Genesis 3:7 says, “Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.” This is who we are after the fall. We are guilty people covering up our sin with a few sloppily stitched together fig leaves. The terminology of “stitched” conjures up a couple of images. The first is an image of it not being whole. It is the joining of at least two good intentions or the mending of a broken one in an effort to cover the darkness within. The idea that everyone is broken-hearted in some way has been on my mind for a while. It is so common sense, yet in my self-obsession, I often forget that everyone is hurting because of brokenness and that brokenness is not quantifiable. Another image of brokenness is our sin. Because of our pride, selfishness, and greed we are broken and our relationship with God and others is broken. And that brokenness, no matter the good intentions, only breaks that which is around it. (The idea that hurt people hurt people.)

The second image this quote conjures is that it has the ability to come undone. Just one simple tug is all it takes for it all to come unstitched, for us to be seen for what we are, which is our flaws. The intentions are just a facade to hide that which is underneath, selfishness, pride, and greed. I have to ask myself, am I using my intentions to say to God, “I was afraid, because I was naked, so I hid myself”? Am I using my intentions to say that to myself?

Not always. Often, my intentions are an overflow of the heart. I care about people because God cares about them and thus I intend to show them that I care. I care about my mental health so I want to take care of myself. I care about my education so I work hard at my school. But sometimes my intentions are legalistically based. They are there to give an idea that I am doing better, or that I am a better person than I really am. Sometimes my intentions are based in a sense of duty or obligation. Sometimes my intentions are there to set me up for failure and to feel badly about myself. And what is hard is that these intentions are always there, but the motivations often ebb and flow. 

So how do I conclude? Tell you to stop allowing your actions or intentions define you? I will start doing that when you do. I do not think I am alone when I say I feel like I could always be doing better. And many people have really good intentions (while others truly do not). But to tell yourself something and believing it are two totally different things. At the end of the day, I am still flawed and stitched together. But praise the Lord that my value is not dependent on my measly threads holding things together. Whether or not I follow through on anything, I am still loved. 

I suppose in conclusion, I want to continue evaluating why I intend to do what I do, whether that is enabling me to live in denial or pushing me toward Christ, and begin giving myself grace when I fail at following through. And I would extend that same challenge to you, especially the last bit. Be gracious to yourself.

As always, thank you for reading. 

Romans 7:18 For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.

Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing, it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 

Philippians 1:6 And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

A couple of song lyrics that came to mind, but don’t actually fit:

The road outside my house is paved with good intentions

-Hum Hallelujah, Fall Out Boy

If you want to destroy my sweater, hold this thread while I walk away

-Undone - The Sweater Song, Weezer

CoastaCali Reflections

CoastaCali Reflections

Ecola's 2019 Mission Team to Paradise, CA and Costa Rica

February 28-March 13

Wow, it has been quite the month! I know I keep saying that time is flying and everything is crazy busy, but it just continues to be true. As always, I plan to write things and then it takes me too long to get to them. However, I am honored to be able to share with you all some of the things we were able to do on our most recent mission trip. So sit down, grab some coffee, and make yourself comfortable :) 

First of all, thank you all so much for your support of our trip to California and Costa Rica! Your prayers were not said in vain and your finances went to good use. I truly cannot see how this trip could have happened without you all. As many of you know, our mission trip took a turn that was unexpected and challenging when we decided it would not be safe for us to go to Haiti with the political unrest. With 10 days to decide where we were going, the Lord opened up specific doors to go to Paradise, California and Camp Roblealto in Costa Rica. 

Samaritan's Purse - Paradise, California:

Our outfits each day for Samaritan's Purse included:
a Tyvek suit, booties, three layers of gloves, and
plenty of hand and feet warmers.

In California we partnered with Samaritan’s Purse to help with disaster relief from the Camp fire that raged through the area last November. The city of Paradise was demolished from this fire, destroying nearly 14,000 homes. Simply driving through the city is heartbreaking as you see abandoned, destroyed vehicles, foundations with only a chimney standing, and the scorched earth. What Samaritan’s Purse does is meet with individual homeowners at their former home and ask them what they would like us to find. We then work for about two hours sifting through debris in different areas of the former home. After we close our time there, we all sign a Bible to give the homeowners and pray with them. We generally did this three times a day. While we worked, chaplains from the Billy Graham foundation would come and talk to the homeowners. Our intention in serving was to not only help practically but also emotionally by engaging them in positive conversation and spiritually by showing God’s love to them. For many of the homeowners, there was a distinct change in their demeanor from when we arrive to when we left. Then each night we would invite them to have dinner with us.

One day, we were able to help a woman find a lot of the jewelry she had made for a show. When we arrived she thought it would be hopeless that we would find her completed jewelry because a tree had fallen on that part of the home. But members of our team were able to cut parts of the tree away and find the majority of her work. That evening at dinner she gifted each of the girls with a pendant from her collection. It was a simple gesture but honestly, that was so impactful to me. She thought she had lost everything and when it was found, the fact that she would be generous with it is so humbling. Something we were urged to express as we went on was a reminder that the people of Paradise are still grieving. It is easy to get caught up in the next headline and forget about the real people that were impacted by the tragedy. But for thousands of people this is still their daily life. It is hard to reconcile because we got to then go on to beautiful Costa Rica and are now back in beautiful Cannon Beach where our biggest stresses are very minor in comparison to losing your home. Life is full of hard to reconcile things and I am challenged to not disassociate only because it is a difficult thing. 

Sifting through remains of a home

Camp Roblealto - Costa Rica:

A victorious picture after completing a mud obstacle course!

On Monday, March 4th,  we left for the Sacramento airport where we departed for San Jose, Costa Rica. We left 50 degree rain and entered into mid-70’s and sunny. Camp Roblealto is a Christian camp and conference center that partners with Gracia Mission to put on regular weekly camps in the summer and have retreats and Hope Projects come in in the off season. Hope Projects are small 2-3 day camps for at-risk youth in the area. Our team was able to sponsor a Hope Project for 36 - 5th and 6th graders in San Jose, as well as their teachers and counselors. Because counselors were there, our job was more behind the scenes. We decorated, cleaned up, and participated in activities with the kids. Some of the fun activities we participated in included a muddy obstacle course, a blacklight party, and a night activity called “Bringing Down the Stars.” In this activity we put blindfolds on all of the kids and had them hold onto a rope while we guided them in a big circle around the camp grounds. Then we took each one and laid them on the ground. After everyone was situated, one of the counselors shared how much God loves them and wants them to accept Him as their Savior. They said that faith in God does not immediately change your situation, but it is changed because now God is with you. And He will do anything for you, even bring down the stars. While this person shared, we opened up glow sticks and sprinkled them on the kids so when they took their blindfolds off they saw the glowing liquid all over- like fallen stars. The joy and realization on the kid’s faces is something indescribable. Because of the quick change of plans, we did not have much time to focus on learning Spanish, which made the language barrier a bigger challenge than I expected. At the end of the camp though, the kids and teachers shared a kind and heartfelt thank you to us. 

Getting creative to stain the highest parts of the building

After the Hope Project left, we worked together doing work projects around the campgrounds. These included digging holes for electrical work, cleaning up trash, moving sticks and firewood, and staining the outside of a building. During these days we got to work with three main maintenance men, Santiago, Joel, and Chavo. Although we both spoke limited amounts of each other’s language, we enjoyed their company so much. Chavo was always on the lookout for a sloth in the area and when he found one, he climbed the tree to get me a picture. He went above and beyond to allow us to see all that Camp Roblealto had to offer. Joel drove us in a trailer around the camp and let some of us use machetes, a chainsaw, and even drive the tractor pulling the trailer. He found humor in so much and even when we did not understand, we were also laughing. Santiago is such a sweet soul who primarily worked with us on staining the building. He was always seeking to make conversation and share about himself even if it took a long time to get there. Their patience with us was astounding. 

Some Final Thoughts: 

It is hard to sum up in a few words a whole experience. And even if I did, it would still be lacking. But here are some of my reflections from Costa Rica and Paradise: 

• It is so humbling to be served. Everywhere we went, we were treated so well. Danhi, our translator, administrator, and great source of humor in Costa Rica, worked so hard for us to be treated well. If we asked for something, even with the preface of “it is okay if it does not happen” she would do everything in her power to make that happen. Our purpose was to serve them, but honestly we got served even more.
• Relationships really are what matters. I think with every mission trip there is a feeling of “we could have done more.” And truly, we probably could have. But the eternal value of relationship far surpasses the value of simple tasks. Love can be shown in those things, absolutely, but never should they take priority over. 
• God really has it under control. I am astounded by God’s hand in this whole trip. He made it clear that we should go to CA and CR, He provided the funds to do so, He gave us clear roads and safety while traveling, He kept us free from illness, and so so much more. An idea I have been challenged by since we changed plans was that I was going to Him so readily because I really could not do anything to help our situation. I knew He was going to do something amazing. Yet in my everyday life, where I do have some control, He is not always the first place I turn. 

In conclusion, THANK YOU. Thank you all so much for your prayers, support, and even just for reading this. This trip has been so thought-provoking and moving and thank you all for your part in it. You all know I love to talk if you want to hear more ;)